2012-11-28

How a five-year old interprets medical emergencies

A close friend was excited to be pregnant but kept her announcements to us and few other friends during the first trimester.

She went to the hospital for bleeding and found out she miscarried.

A few days later, she returned to the hospital when the bleeding did not subside.  The doctors rushed her into surgery to remove a tubal pregnancy and avoid further internal bleeding.  Miscarriages are terrible but tubal pregnancies have similar symptoms and threaten the mother's life.

Thank God she lived in this case, minus half her fertility.

We had all the girls praying for her and Lana's creative mind took crayons in hand to digest the news:

Here is our friend in the hospital


Here is her baby who died

.

2012-06-10

Jesus the Blue Eyed Jew, Part 2

We try not to deny any books to our children.  If they can reach it, they can read it.  (We try to limit how many books they eat, of course.)  The other day Lana was flipping through a book that someone had erroneously told her contained different pictures of what Jesus might have looked like.  It was actually Jesus and the Twelve[1].  It has one image of Jesus and twelve other images.  Judas is especially sinister; Saint Paul doesn't get an image, just a one-page summary; but Matthias is excluded entirely.

Lana, thinking each image was a try at Jesus' likeness, flipped through the pages, checking each one and judging it, "No, that's not Jesus.  Nope, that's not Jesus...."

When she had gone through each disciple, she finally arrived at the Jesus image and decided, "Oh, yeah, that's Jesus," like she was certain or she had almost forgotten what he looked like until that moment.

That makes me sick to my stomach.

2012-05-19

Musical marriage commentaries


In the middle of his life
He left his wife
And ran off to be bad
Boy, it was sad
But he bought a new car
Found a new bar
And went under another name
Created a whole new game

...

Source:  http://lyrics.wikia.com/Tom_Petty:To_Find_A_Friend
Listen:  http://grooveshark.com/s/To+Find+A+Friend/3Ka3WE?src=5

2012-05-05

Marital ennui and its opposites


I am receiving regular email from Match.com about my new account.  I have been married for seven years and things are going well... so why am I signed up with a dating service?

I'm not.  Another person in the world with my name signed up using my email address.  The web service does not verify email addresses before associating them with a dater's profile.  It's an eponymous email address with a well known public web-email service, easy to see how someone with my same name would invent it if they wanted to toss out a fictitious identity.

A little bit of research reveals a plausible explanation for the invalid email address:  This other handsomely named fellow is married and has two children.


No surprise.  That's the way marriages go.

Two close friends of the family who have been through all kinds of ups and downs together are culminating a decade of improbable survival and success by splitting up, leaving four young children to float between them in the gap of confusion.

An old coworker of mine nursed their spouse through a serious illness only to discover the betrayal of infidelity on the bright side of convalescence.  No talk of divorce yet, just a bizarre, uneasy mystery:  How can they recover from this?  What will happen to their many children whose ages range from two to teens?

Another friend recently announced the surprisingly amiable separation they are arranging with their spouse.  Things are so agreeable between the two of them that they are having no problems finalizing the arrangements:  Who takes care of the kids during what times; who lives where; who works; who pays bills -- after the divorce.

A guy I know came home from a business trip to an empty house.  His wife had planned to leave him a month or two before but took ill with some nasty upper respiratory knock-out.  He took care of the kids and nursed her back to health so that she was all better, healthy, and ready to wipe him out in his absence.  She took the kids, the pets, the furniture, the bank account, and every artifact in the house -- including the refrigerator [1][2].  All this to venture a grand new experiment with a secret internet boyfriend.  The experiment failed and she's a single mom who can't keep entry-level retail positions anymore.  She took the kids out of state which constitutes illegal abduction; but he didn't press charges, just transitioned his job to be closer to the kids.

Another coworker came home one day to find his front door wide open.  The kids were wandering around unsupervised, including the toddler.  He could find his wife nowhere so he called her cellphone.  "Leave me alone," was her only goodbye to her children and husband.  He operates as a single father of four.  She's migrating around from one experiment to another.  Identity is a hard thing to figure out.

Another couple who was very close to us has split up and moved back near their respective parents due to infidelity and illegitimate pregnancy.  Their mutual children get to bounce between them, in a latent, unintended contest with half siblings.

One of my wife's closest friends was abandoned by her husband without warning one night.  They had a great week together and their older sons were growing closer to him as they approached the teen years.  Their younger children were confused.  "Where's daddy?"  "Will he come back?"  No.  He won't.

Most of these stories sound one-sided because it is hard to capture two conflicting stories in a short summary.  Try to picture the stories and then swap the two spouses for each other:  As an anecdote, they are interchangeable (it takes two to tango).  Sometimes fault and blame are clear; other times more vague.  What good is it to judge my friends for their complicated lives?

Marriage is hard.  Monogamy is hard.  Raising children is hard.  Real life is full of these dangerous disasters that hit close to home.  We're at the age where some of our friends are single and want to be married but many of our married friends are wishing they were single -- or behaving single.  Relatives who have been married for decades and newlyweds who survived the first few years and one child by the skin of their teeth agree:  This is scary, heavy stuff.

I'm not a very good person but I love my wife and children.  I am grateful for them and their presence in my life.  Who knows:  We might all come through this life together.

2011-04-28

Dreaded Questions about Baby Afterlife

A close friend of our family came back from long term missionary work in an orphanage full of infants and children younger than four.  He spoke often about how much he loved the children he worked with: "his" children.  He mentioned the behavior problems you find in an orphanage:  No matter how lovable a baby or toddler may be, they are capable of obvious, willful and spiteful misbehavior.  He took it as evidence for the Christian doctrine of Original Sin.

"Yep, babies go to Hell."

I asked him not to mention that to my wife.

Rave reviews abound[1] for new Christian feel-good book, Heaven Is for Real[2], about a boy who died, visited Heaven and returned to life -- with verifiable proof like encounters with unknown siblings who died by miscarriages formerly unrevealed by his parents.  My initial impression was that this book offered warm fuzzies to simple-minded Christians who believed in an afterlife[3].  After my wife and I experienced a miscarriage and supported several friends through their miscarriages and stillbirths, I toned-down my public criticism of the book to a simple "never mind, sounds good".  If the book offered hope and comfort to some, very well.

For those of us who need more than these anecdotes of purported afterlife conversations with fetal souls, can we be so sure our dead babies achieved peaceful rest in Heaven?  Not the kind of question to bring up in a moment of loss[4].  At those times some people try to comfort the bereaved with clumsy words.  The wisest say very little but remain nearby and available.  Many Christians jump right into the comfort we must have from knowing our babies are now safe with Jesus, in the gentle hands of God or of angels, or have become angels themselves[5].  No one really wants to consider any other possibility.

Who deserves Heaven more than an innocent baby, especially the unborn?

The hard edge replies:
  • the term "deserves" is overused these days
  • no one deserves Heaven
  • no one is innocent
  • all have sinned
  • the sins of Adam and Eve apply to every human upon conception
  • no one deserves salvation and scripture says the majority of people miss it
Saint Augustine said unbaptized infants went to Hell[6].  The Roman Catholic church developed the doctrine of Limbo just for babies:  Not Hell or Purgatory (no sins to punish or purge) -- but not Heaven. (The term "Limbo" means the edge of Hell.) Original Sin still separates its occupants from God. Calvin offers more hope if a soul's fate is fixed in advance without alternatives: A fetus ends up in its predestined[14] afterlife. Perhaps some of them (and some of us) will make it to Heaven.

The closest scripture related to babies dying is David's "I will go to him, but he will not return to me."[15]  The Old Testament afterlife, "paradise" or "bosom of Abraham", has important distinctions from the New Testament's Heaven (after Christ's death and resurrection).  Jesus' parable of Lazarus and the rich man[16] indicates a clear gap between paradise and Hades/Hell/torment.  Still, if anyone had a good idea about the afterlife before Christ, it was David.  He doesn't expect to be separated from his child in the hereafter.  Does David's hope apply anymore?

The Bible also mentions an age of accountability[7].  The family's sacrifices and devotion cover your sin until you're old enough to do it yourself.  As husband, father, head of the household, responsible for the spiritual leadership of the family, what if I'm not living as faithfully as I should be?  Have I doomed my unborn dead to Hell by not being Christian enough, religious enough?  (This thought plagued me deeply for months[8][9].)

The Christian life is not about doing enough good things to earn our way into Heaven.  All the Old Testament references to an age of accountability have to do with temple sacrifices of living animals as payment for sins.  Now Christ has satisfied the demand for sacrifice; we need no other sacrifice.  Our sins are forgiven because of Jesus' work, not anything we do or did.

So we may be safe from worrying that our personal inadequacies have condemned our children to Hell.  Our motivation to demonstrate and share our faith with our children does not come from desperate fear that we may not be doing it perfectly.

We may have dismissed that fear but we have not yet answered the question:  Do babies go to Heaven?  The unborn are insulated from opportunity to misbehave.  They should have no sins to prevent their access to God except that Original Sin inherited with all human DNA.  We know Christ's sacrifice covers our sin without requiring our merit.  Instead of earning it, our salvation depends only on whether or not we accept it:  "What must I do to be saved?"  "Repent," that is, turn away from our sins.

The unborn cannot repent.  Even if they could they have nothing from which to repent except that Original Sin.  Yet there is no indication that anyone must repent of their Original Sin.  (We may turn away from it but we will never escape the human legacy of preferring sin.)  Seems reasonable to consider Christ's sacrifice adequate for covering Original Sin plus all repent-able sins-of-choice.  For the unborn, they have no choices and therefore no sins that are not already covered.  If coverage for Original Sin comes standard, so does Heaven for babies.  (Not satisfied?  Disagree?  See the notes for references to further theological discussions of Original Sin and alternate interpretations[10][11][12].)

This does not answer all questions.  What about before Christ?  What afterlife awaited babies then?  What about mental retardation in children and adults?  What about infants and toddlers who have choices but may not yet understand concepts like repentance?

Some of these questions (especially about the difference between Old and New Testament afterlives) require deeper coverage than I can offer here.  As for infants, toddlers and the mentally handicapped, they live on the border of our two cases:  Either they can consciously sin or not.  Either they can consciously repent or not.  We may not be able to tell at what point a soul is enabled to make eternal choices.  No harm presenting the fundamentals of faith and repentance as early and widely and indiscriminately as possible.

But in every case except the case of our own immortal soul, we cannot affect the eternal position of an expired life.  Fetus, infant, child, witless, we must trust God's justice and mercy with all.  Blanket condemnation seems unlikely based on scripture and reason.  Because of Jesus, we have the hope of Heaven for ourselves and others.  Based on everything we have so far considered, this is more than a simple, blind hope.  Praise God for that hope -- and for babies, for life no matter how long it lasts.

Feeling reassured that babies go to Heaven despite my skepticism of pop-Christian platitudes, I need two more clarifications:
  1. Reunions in Heaven will not be what we expect.  The point of Heaven will not be to run around looking for everyone we wanted to see again.  Our relationships with our own spouses will be dramatically different from their paramount significance on Earth.  So will our relationships with our children and all other close ties.  We have no reason to think that anyone will be hidden from us or that it will be a suffocating crowd we have to push through.  Perhaps everyone will be facing the same direction with all attention and activity focused away from ourselves and off each other, based on the glimpses we have in scripture.  All reunions will be happy incidental tangents yet somehow we will recognize people we knew -- and some people we never knew, never met, never even saw.  Which leads to the the second clarification.
  2. Babies will not look like babies in Heaven.  This disrupts those harmless emotional sentiments you hear at memorial services about how one deceased child is frolicking on the playgrounds of Heaven with another child.  There may be much play and joyous activity in Heaven but it is as likely to involve crayons and blocks as chess pieces or astrophysics riddles.  We have the strong promise of new life, including lucid minds and tangible, physical bodies:  Those bodies will not be frozen at the age we died.  That would be a bad deal for infants as well as the very old.  Eternity as a 4 millimeter zygote or 4 centimeter fetus?  Eternity as a bent, gnarled, rheumatic, wrinkly old centenarian with cataracts?  Thank God some ageless optimal bodily form awaits us[13].

We spent much time researching this for our own comfort and we hope it may comfort others. Throw in your insights as a comment if you have also researched it, especially if we have missed something. For those of you eager to get elbows-deep in theology, dig into the notes, below.


Jesus the Blue Eyed Jew

I wrote this in December of 2010, perhaps a little angry.  For a deeper consideration of one important point from the book, see "Dreaded Questions about Baby Afterlife".
Feel like promoting Christian mythology? Purchase multiple copies of Heaven Is for Real, a heart-warming mind softener written by an 11-year-old about his anesthetized out-of-body visit to Glory at the age of 4.  Jesus has blue eyes.  I guess his dark mediterranean Jew parentage constitute only half his genetics; the other half is a wild card.  Blue eyes unlikely but who cares?  As long as the rest of the story makes me feel good.


The Aryan features of Jesus fit well with almost every popular Hollywood depiction of him, from Max von Sydow in The Greatest Story Ever Told (1965) to Willem Defoe in The Last Temptation of Christ (1988).  Refer also to Jeffrey Hunter in King of Kings (1961) and Robert Powell in Jesus of Nazareth (1977).

Semitic-eyed Jesus movies include The Gospel of John (2003), Jesus (1999), Mary, Mother of Jesus (1999), Jesus (1979), The Messiah(1975), Jesus Christ Superstar (1973), Godspell (1973), and the black-and-white films (because who knows?) like 1905's Life and Passion of Jesus Christ, 1912's From the Manger to the Cross, 1927's Cecil B. DeMille-directed King of Kings (Jesus is Mr. Gower!), 1935's Golgotha, 1964's Marxist The Gospel According to St. Matthew.

Anti-semitic as he may be accused, at least Mel Gibson digitally browned James Caviezel's eyes for The Passion of the Christ (2004).


2011-04-15

Baby Death (Part Three)

TurboTax has an elaborate Tax Support Question and Answer forum.  Today as I'm scrambling to finish my taxes, the top question is,
My daughter was born in March and lived only 9 days. Can I claim her as a dependent?
We have a birth certificate, social security number and death certificate -- she died after 9 days and never left the hospital. Do I claim her as a dependant?
The answer is yes.  The IRS (the United States federal tax authority) allows you to claim a dependent for the full year even if it was born, lived and died for only a small portion of the year.  What about children born still, who never lived outside the womb nor breathed this air?

I'm asking because it is common to adjust your income tax withholding via form W-4 to increase the number of allowances when you know a child will be born in the current tax year.  Counting chickens before they hatch, what if one doesn't hatch?

That happened to my friends.  Twice in a row, the second almost exactly one year after the first.  Still births.  Stillborns.  Dead babies.

I'm not implying that the tax impact is important to them.  Missing their children is the tragedy.  Who cares about W-4 allowances?

What is horrifying is that the question about a baby who lived 9 days is top of the tax support question and answer forum.  Someone out there is still grieving their child who survived birth and made it 9 days but never even left the hospital.

Grief is a long, strange process and I can't imagine sitting down with tax forms -- usually a sobering, unsentimental process -- and being hit afresh with the reminder that I am one-child-less and now stuck in a bureaucratic doldrum because of it.